Recommended Screenwriters
Is it really possible to be edgy and subtle at the same time?
Read this scene and see.
Many of you have seen the movie KISS, KISS, BANG, BANG, written and directed by Shane Black. It is an edgy Indie flick that is filled with fresh writing. In some places, I think it goes a bit too far with the narration, but there are so many places that the script surprises — in small and big ways.
I’ve selected one of the tame scenes in this edgy movie. I choose it because it shows how the writer keeps us in uncertainty and entertains us at the same time. He used many interesting techniques as he accomplished that goal.
As you read it, notice how the little things make the scene fresh and interesting, but also set up larger story points.
WATCH FOR:
1. Subtle writing that has a little edge to it.
2. Anticipation created by the uncertain relationship.
3. The building of a relationship during a verbal sparring match.
4. How small things set up more dramatic situations.
In a previous scene, Harry met Harmony at a party, but doesn’t know her name. Without her knowing it, he stuck up for her and got beat up in the process. Now, he goes to a bar looking for her.
>From KISS, KISS, BANG, BANG
INT. DOMINO ROOM — NIGHT
Harry enters the bar. Orients himself. Eyes, roving…
THERE. Harmony. At the bar. No sign of the asshole from before. Instead, a semi-attractive female FRIEND.
As he watches, the FRIEND heads for the bathroom. Harmony alone, bingo — he ambles up, trying for slick:
HARRY
‘Evening. I’m Harry.
He winces, makes a show of rubbing his shoulder.
HARRY
Mmmm. Sore.
(cracks his neck)
I mean physically, not, you know, like a
guy who’s angry in the 1950’s.(beat)
I’m visiting from New York. Um, I think I
saw you at the party, couple hours ago..?She doesn’t look up. Sips her drink.
HARMONY
Why?
HARRY
Why what?
HARMONY
Why me? Seriously, how about that girl
sitting over there, look, she’s very pretty.
NOTE: An unexpected response. She’s questioning him, but also pointing out other women he could choose from.
HARRY
Which one?
HARMONY
On the left. Next to the bald Kevin Costner.
Indicates a bald guy. Looks vaguely like Costner.
NOTE: The thing of identifying people as look-a-likes is a metaphor she uses and later, we’ll see him do the same thing. It makes interesting dialogue and shows a similarity between them — the possible start of a relationship.
HARRY
Jesus, that’s reaching.
(clears his throat)
That girl over there, you said..?
HARMONY
Which way you lookin’..?
(shakes her head)
Nix, nix, that’s the blonde; blonde’s pathetic.
HARRY
Pathetic, I see. Because..?
NOTE: Notice that she is constantly catching Harry off guard. She’s playing a game with him and he is barely keeping up. This creates anticipation, but it also engages us in their potential relationship…if they ever have one.
Later, we’ll understand why she keeps outplaying him.
HARMONY
Well, for starters, she’s been f—ed more times than she’s had hot meals.
HARRY
Right. I heard about that. It was neck and neck, then she skipped lunch–
HARMONY
Worst thing, though..?
HARRY
Do tell.
HARMONY
Worst thing is she’s 35 years old, still trying to ACT. I see her in auditions; It’s over, baby, you missed. Get a clue.
HARRY
That’s charitable of you.
(beat)
Mind if I ask how old are you?
HARMONY
Go for it.
HARRY
Okay. How old are you?
HARMONY
Thirty-four.
(chews ice)
I’m a baby.
NOTE: Nicely done. A 34 year old struggling actress trashes a 35 yo for being too old. But the entertainment comes from how she draws Harry in and her ironic comment about being a baby.
She grins. Upends her glass.
HARRY
Where’s your buddy? The guy you left the party with?
HARMONY
I just needed a ride. Did you know the host? I didn’t. He looked really familiar, though. Probably an actor.
Before he can reply, the FRIEND appears.
FEMALE FRIEND
Buzz, buzz. Go away, Mister fly.
HARRY
I’m talking to your friend here.
FEMALE FRIEND
Yeah, well, she doesn’t wanna talk to you. Leave.
HARRY
Easy, Sunshine, I’ll have her back to you in a minute.
FEMALE FRIEND
She doesn’t have a minute.
NOTE: The Friend is clearly rude. Her behavior is a bit edgy. But it accomplishes so many things. First, it sets Harry up as someone who needs to be rescued. Second, it makes the upcoming twist more interesting because Harmony is sitting there watching her friend be rude to Harry. Third, it sets up a real surprise from the next scene.
And it is also an interesting confrontational situation. Will Harry back down or do we have another fist fight on the way?
He starts to retort — bites it back. What’s the point?
HARRY
If you change your mind about that drink, I’ll be over there with old Timothy Hutton.
Harmony glances over — blurts a LAUGH. Can’t help it, he’s spot-on. Harry gestures to the bartender to cover the girls’ drinks. Debates which credit card to use —
NOTE: Having Harry use the look-a-like metaphor here shows he is still in this game…and it also shows a similarity to Harmony. The writer is building a relationship between these two.
Harmony grabs his VISA card. Makes it dance on the bar.
HARMONY
Pick me, pick me!
(deep bass voice)
No, pick me!
She grabs his MASTERCARD. Makes the two cards fight. Harry looks at her like she’s grown a tail. She giggles.
FEMALE FRIEND
Stop it! Why are you humoring him?
(to Harry)
There’s a table in that far corner. It’s a recommended cheeseball hangout.
HARRY
Your mouth is a recommended place to put a sock.
(beat)
Princess. Scary friend. Goodnight.
NOTE: Another quick verbal sparring match and Harry is going to exit. I like how he labels the two women before he walks away.
Notice one more thing. Like these labels, this whole scene has consistently stayed on an edge, but never went over. It has been entertaining, without being excessive. Good writing.
He shrugs on his coat. Turns away. Harmony, looking more and more agitated, until, finally —
HARMONY
Goddamnit, Harry Lockhart, are you gonna recognize me or not?
That stops him. He turns back, frowning. Squints.
HARMONY
Embrey, Indiana!
(he’s still frowning)
Loved snakes, scared of spiders.
(exasperated)
God’s sakes, you — you were the Amazing Harold, no, HAROLD THE GREAT. You cut me in half, remember?
HARRY
My God… Harmony? Is that you?
Realization, dawning. Both frozen in place.
Then she smiles and so does he and all the years drop and shatter. He engulfs her in a hug. Spins her.
The FRIEND gapes in disbelief.
NOTE: This last part revealed a layer of subtext that suddenly changes things. Harmony knew Harry all along. She’s been playing with him from the beginning when she asked “Why me?” Besides being the one he was pursuing, she also had the advantage of knowing who she was talking with while he was in the dark.
For Harry, this revelation brings him the love of his life…and a ton of problems. For the reader/viewer, it gives us new hope that Harry will finally have a happy relationship, until…
He wakes up after a night of drinking and discovers that he is in bed with the Scary Friend instead of Harmony.
BTW, that is a great payoff to the “Buzz, buzz. Go away, Mister fly” introduction above.
The beauty of this kind of writing is that it flows so well while twisting and turning, surprising and entertaining. It is both fresh and edgy while having multiple layers of meaning. It is easy to read and keeps you guessing with every page.
Learn to write like that in your own unique style and you’ll have agents and producers stalking you.
Subtle and edgy? The two can coexist; and it’s one of the many writing methods we cover in our Fresh & Edgy Screenwriting Class.